I want to be me. I want to see what white picket fence life is like. I want to know what life would be like if I met Him in college, had babies and drove a minivan with a house. Try in school, get good grades.

I want this life; I don’t want the next life. I want every different version of this life.

I’ve made too many wrong choices. They weren’t wrong, just messy. I don’t want chaotic. I just want to know what boring life looks like. The right choice Lindsey life. The life where I don’t come from baggage and trash. The life where I have small boobs and perfect teeth. The life where I didn’t make Him sell his house and I didn’t spend money on dumb shit. A life with no seizures. Life where my dad wasn’t mentally ill, and I wasn’t broken inside as a result.

I don’t want to know another life. I want to know what the right choice life would be. I want to go back and rewrite what has been done.