i spoke

Early Tuesday morning I sat in a crowded court room.

I remember practically nothing.

Only two people knew I was there.

Neither being my spouse or mother.

I’ve never disassociated so well as I did when the attorney pointed the remote to the tv.

Probably 40 people.

Dressed nicely.

Watching my rape like it was the morning announcements in high school.

Just another Tuesday.

For the judge, the attorneys, the accused.

“Is this you in the video, Lindsey?” The attorney asked.

Snapping me out of my safe disassociated state.

She repeated herself.

“Is this you in the video, Lindsey?”

I couldn’t speak; an issue I rarely have.

I looked at my shaking hands placed in my lap.

The writing that covered the left palm read “Today, you become his nightmare.”

I lifted my head, stared right into the cold eyes I once felt not good enough to look at.

And spoke the biggest thing I’ve ever said.

“Yes.”

11.9.23