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Tag: rules

  • all hail me

    1. Thou shall stay in your lane.
    2. No man or woman can make rules on others bodies
    3. You can make no commitments lasting more than 3 years.
    4. Must go through intense training with an exam to procreate.
    5. You kill, your family dies.
    6. Pee after sex.
    7. No pets in homes.
    8. Must move body for joy.
    9. 70oz daily.

  • rules.

    • Always pee after sex.
    • Don’t wear sweatpants in public.
    • Text your friends you made it home.
    • Shave your armpits…everyone.
    • Shave your downstairs, no one wants to go diving into Chewbacca.
    • Fuck yourself daily.
    • Drink water.
    • Don’t be nice to people who annoy you. You will regret it.
    • Try new things.
    • Don’t get attached to anything.
    • Don’t get married, it’s a trap.
    • Elope. Weddings are a waste.
    • Kids ruin everything.
    • Vacation often even if you can’t afford it.
    • Don’t save yourself for marriage, you’ll miss out on prime sex years. Prime experimental sex years.
    • Never forget your birth control.
    • Spit, don’t swallow. No man is worth that.
    • Try all genders.
    • Learn self-defense
    • Choose violence sooner rather than later.
    • Don’t do hard drugs.
    • Admit to nothing.
    • Don’t let anyone sleep in your bed.
    • Sleep naked.
    • Go skinny dipping.
    • Trust no one unless you have dirt on them.
    • Send nudes, but never show face.
    • Keep all dirty photos of exes for blackmail.
    • If someone threatens suicide to hurt you, hand them the knife and tell them to take it outside.
    • Don’t stay in a relationship more than 3 months and you will always be “the one that got away”.
    • Shave your head.
    • Travel the moment you’re legal.
    • Nothing last forever.
    • Believe you are the smartest person in the room, and you will be.
    • People don’t roofie soda.
    • Don’t give too much of yourself to anyone.
    • Always have a run away fund.
    • Keep your own secrets.
    • Go to therapy.
    • Fuck all your friends’ dads.
    • Fuck all your exes’ dads.
    • Don’t be late.
    • Don’t say the “R” word
    • Assume not everyone loves your pets.